I hate vampires.

[prisoner_24601]

Why does every vampire in every damn book have to:

1) Be insanely hot
2) Own a goddamn nightclub
3) Be a sexual tyrannosaurus
4) Be conflicted and overly emotional

I mean, where the hell are the fat, balding, middle aged car salesmans that got made into a vampires? Or the granny vampires (which would rule so much)? Why is every single one a super hot stud muffin with no chest hair, chiseled features and piercing eyes?

You think that they could branch out in professions too. Where the hell are corporate vampires and political vampires or the redneck vampires that want to watch football and drive their pickup trucks around while drinking a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Why does almost every author write the same goddamn thing?

I'm getting so bored with this cliché that I actively avoid any book in it with a vampire now. Unfortunately I broke this rule the other day when I picked up Nora Robert's new book Morrigan's Cross at the airport before jumping on the plane (yes - I read romance novels on rare occasions and Nora Roberts is a decent, albeit rather repetitive, author) and I'm regretting it now.

Serves me right.

Comments

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Heh, I think you're on to something here. There has to be a reason why people keep writing them this way and why that take on vampires is so damn popular.

[firera.livejournal.com]

Maybe. Or the write write the vamps in such way to please themselves. Explains why it keeps going on. We all fantasize to have the perfect man. XD

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Heh, maybe my irritation and bitterness stems from the fact that I just don't find that type of physical beauty attractive. Vampires tend to be pretty boys and I personally am not attracted to that aesthetic. I prefer my men of the more manly variety (broad shoulders, tough looking) and when the guys are more pretty than me, it's not a turn on rofl.

[firera.livejournal.com]

Ditto. Pretty boy vampires just don't work. But they're better being just pretty boys in the entertainment industry or something.

Muscles... vamps need muscles...the good-looking ones that is.

[foxfire74.livejournal.com]

*blink*...you know, this could definitely explain why I prefer werecritters to vampires. Shall have to ponder. Preferably with visual aids.

I am become Foxfire, destroyer of bishounen.

[firera.livejournal.com]

typos...=.= writer writes*

[athenaprime.livejournal.com]

Might as well ask why the only people qualified to save any world are a Ragtag Band of Unlikely Heroes (TM). The archetype works.

One of my old GMs postulated that there were no geriatric vampires because they couldn't survive the change in physiology. We had a long discussion about metaphors, and how elderly people don't fear death as much, so the vampire doesn't present to them as such a fearsome thing. Likewise, more elderly people are more practical about sexual matters, so the metaphorical seduction of a vampire wouldn't be as effective, since they're less concerned with inhibitions and proprieties. Of course, in that same campaign, our group of fledgling vampires got completely wasted by a band of vampire hunters from the Happy Acres Retirement Gardens, too. But he was that kind of GM.

As for why they show up in so many novels...well, if I want to hear ugly people having sex, I can listen to my neighbors for free (or pretend not to see them in their pool when I'm trying to barbecue). When I pick up a book, I want to read about hot people getting it on (with or without fangs, although I haven't been able to figure out how to reconcile the pasty-white-guy syndrome with hawt realistically).

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Oh I agree with not really wanting to read about ugly people having sex. I really don't have a problem with hot characters, it's just when they are all hot in exactly the same kind of way, I tend to get bored and tune out.

I dunno. It seems like there could be other more interesting ways of making a character attractive than to always resort to the standard GQ model description. I mean, what about the guy that's fairly average looking but has an incredible sense of humor, or the lanky nerd that's really brilliant and a nice guy. Physical beauty and being attractive to the opposite sex aren't necessarily the same things, and people find all kind of things attractive. I guess I'd just like to see more variety in leading men and women.

[athenaprime.livejournal.com]

It seems like there could be other more interesting ways of making a character attractive than to always resort to the standard GQ model description. I mean, what about the guy that's fairly average looking but has an incredible sense of humor, or the lanky nerd that's really brilliant and a nice guy. Physical beauty and being attractive to the opposite sex aren't necessarily the same things, and people find all kind of things attractive. I guess I'd just like to see more variety in leading men and women.

Oh, I'll definitely agree with that. Several writers I know have trended towards going out of their way to avoid meticulous descriptions of their characters' physical attributes. It also saves aggravation when you look at a cover and the figure on the cover doesn't look a bit like the description in the book.

I still don't know about the nightclub thing, though. Sure at one point, it would probably be one of the few jobs a night-owl could do, but we live in a global environment with the internet now. I don't see why a vampire couldn't be a US-based stockbroker for the Japanese stock exchange and work third shift at TD Waterhouse. Or work in the meat department at the all-night grocery. Or any number of endeavours that don't require the wearing of leather pants and puffy shirts.

Some horror story I read back in the mists of time postulated that the change to becoming a vampire stole all a person's creativity. I don't remember the name of the book or the author, only that it took place at Anne-Rice-style fandom cons, the author-vampire used mirrors to teleport into her fans' rooms to feed, and she stole their fan-fiction after she killed them (which alone makes it hysterical) and touted it as her own. Vampires, lack of imagination, and fan-fiction theft for the win. Making fun of Anne Rice was just a bonus.