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So I read Twilight - or rather I read 224 pages of it before getting bored and putting the book down. It was bad, but not in the way that I expected.
I admit that I had a lot of preconceived notions about this book. I thought for sure that while 33 year old Pris was going to hate it (especially since I hate vampires), inner 13 year old Pris was going to think it was full of sparklicious awesomesauce. But as I read, inner Pris13 kept telling me that this book sucked ass, while Pris33 thought that while it was definitely bad, it could have been salvaged if Stephanie Meyer had done a few things.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that Pris13 would have liked about this book. After all, Pris13 has read all kinds of goofy girlie shit that she thought was really, really awesome such as the Sweet Valley High Series, The Sunfire Historical Romance series, and the totally cracktastic Flowers in the Attic series by V.C. Andrews. In the next few years Pris13 will discover the worlds of Mercedes Lackey's white horses who save abused children and the Dragonlance books. And if the internet had been around back then, she probably would have flooded ff.net with goopy Sue filled romances about Raistlin who is so hot, misunderstood and clearly in need of the redemption that only true wuv can provide..
So a McHottie, sparkletastic, dangerous (but not really), stalkeresque, angsypants, vampire boyfriend? Awesome. Plot that's not really a plot, but two emo teenagers discussing their relationship for 500+ pages? Sweet! Dysfunctional, obsessive, patronizing and totally unrealistic true love? Sign her up!
But I think the thing that would have killed any enjoyment for Pris13 is the very simple fact that Bella Swan just sucks. She's not even a proper stand in for the reader or even a typical Mary Sue. She's shallow, vapid, mopey, bitchy and thinks that her life is OMG SO HARD U GIAS!
Inner Pris13 kept rolling her eyes every time Bella whined about how annoying it is that every dude in the school thinks she's hot, or OMG her parents (who are never around, have no expectations, and even give her a car to drive around) are annoying! On the first day of highschool people go out of their way to be nice to her and she's totally a bitch about it. When the girls in school try to be friendly to her, she is completely shallow and vicious, and Pris13 got the feeling that she was only putting up with them until she could get accepted into the cool vampire kids club. When she has to go to the hospital, damn near the whole school shows up to see if she's okay, and she acts like an ungrateful twat about it because it's so embarrassing.
Pris13 wouldn't have expected realism, she would have wanted an escapist fantasy to get away from the harsh realities of real middle and high school. But when the main character lives the perfect escapist awesome fantasy and acts like her life is really, really hard, well... that's pretty fucking irritating.
Interestingly, that's one of the reasons Pris33 kind of found Twilight nearly redeemable, because bad technical writing issues aside, Stephanie Meyer really captures the narcissistic, selfish, emo tunnel vision that dumbass teenagers tend to have, where every small thing is totally blown out of proportion. There's something awesomely entertaining about this beautiful, middle class, white chick thinking that people being nice to her makes her life hard. I kept waiting for her to get a harsh reality check. This book could have been interesting if Bella actually grew as a character, realized she was acting like a shallow twat, or realized that her relationship with Edward was dysfunctional and told him to take a hike. Conversely, it would have been just as entertaining if she never realized it, but if her moronic behavior had actual realistic consequences. Unfortunately that never happened.
And therein lies the biggest problem of the book for Pris33. It becomes painfully obvious that Stephanie Meyers doesn't realize that Bella sucks. She thinks her protagonist is cool, and thus, instead of other characters reacting the way they actually would to someone who is that much of a complete dumbass, she gets rewarded for her stupid behavior.
The other big disappointment was that this book wasn't nearly as cracktasticly entertaining as I hoped. Don't get me wrong, there are several laugh out loud wtf moments (my favorite being how even Edward's handwriting is HOLY SHIT BEAUTIFUL), things that made no sense (why are these vampires in high school again? Is it because they want to score some hot teenage tail?), and times when it becomes painfully clear that Stephanie Meyer has some serious issues when it comes to relationships (stalking is not sexy Stephanie). But sadly, in between the cracky parts are pages and pages and pages of really boring, shallow introspection by Bella and vapid conversations between her and Edward.
From the summaries I've read of the other books, it seems like with each installment of the series, it gets increasingly hilarious, but I just don't have the patience to read hundreds and hundreds of pages to get to it.
Finally, I have to say that while even though I think Pris13 would have hated this book, I get why other teenagers would love it. I'm not especially concerned that this book is teaching bad lessons to impressionable young girls (even though it kind of is). I read all kinds of fucked up stuff when I was that age, but even I realized that there was a big difference between what characters in a book could get away with and what happens in real life. I think that the people hyperventilating about how this is going to corrupt young girls, don't give those girls enough credit.
I don't, however, get why anyone over the age of 17 would think this this book is good entertainment - especially the twilight moms, who should seriously be old enough to see how fucking dysfunctional and non sexy this book really is. I'm pretty sure if some teenage boy was stalking their daughter the way that Edward stalks Bella, they'd pull out the shotgun to run his ass off and not think "Wow, isn't true love wonderful."
I admit that I had a lot of preconceived notions about this book. I thought for sure that while 33 year old Pris was going to hate it (especially since I hate vampires), inner 13 year old Pris was going to think it was full of sparklicious awesomesauce. But as I read, inner Pris13 kept telling me that this book sucked ass, while Pris33 thought that while it was definitely bad, it could have been salvaged if Stephanie Meyer had done a few things.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that Pris13 would have liked about this book. After all, Pris13 has read all kinds of goofy girlie shit that she thought was really, really awesome such as the Sweet Valley High Series, The Sunfire Historical Romance series, and the totally cracktastic Flowers in the Attic series by V.C. Andrews. In the next few years Pris13 will discover the worlds of Mercedes Lackey's white horses who save abused children and the Dragonlance books. And if the internet had been around back then, she probably would have flooded ff.net with goopy Sue filled romances about Raistlin who is so hot, misunderstood and clearly in need of the redemption that only true wuv can provide..
So a McHottie, sparkletastic, dangerous (but not really), stalkeresque, angsypants, vampire boyfriend? Awesome. Plot that's not really a plot, but two emo teenagers discussing their relationship for 500+ pages? Sweet! Dysfunctional, obsessive, patronizing and totally unrealistic true love? Sign her up!
But I think the thing that would have killed any enjoyment for Pris13 is the very simple fact that Bella Swan just sucks. She's not even a proper stand in for the reader or even a typical Mary Sue. She's shallow, vapid, mopey, bitchy and thinks that her life is OMG SO HARD U GIAS!
Inner Pris13 kept rolling her eyes every time Bella whined about how annoying it is that every dude in the school thinks she's hot, or OMG her parents (who are never around, have no expectations, and even give her a car to drive around) are annoying! On the first day of highschool people go out of their way to be nice to her and she's totally a bitch about it. When the girls in school try to be friendly to her, she is completely shallow and vicious, and Pris13 got the feeling that she was only putting up with them until she could get accepted into the cool vampire kids club. When she has to go to the hospital, damn near the whole school shows up to see if she's okay, and she acts like an ungrateful twat about it because it's so embarrassing.
Pris13 wouldn't have expected realism, she would have wanted an escapist fantasy to get away from the harsh realities of real middle and high school. But when the main character lives the perfect escapist awesome fantasy and acts like her life is really, really hard, well... that's pretty fucking irritating.
Interestingly, that's one of the reasons Pris33 kind of found Twilight nearly redeemable, because bad technical writing issues aside, Stephanie Meyer really captures the narcissistic, selfish, emo tunnel vision that dumbass teenagers tend to have, where every small thing is totally blown out of proportion. There's something awesomely entertaining about this beautiful, middle class, white chick thinking that people being nice to her makes her life hard. I kept waiting for her to get a harsh reality check. This book could have been interesting if Bella actually grew as a character, realized she was acting like a shallow twat, or realized that her relationship with Edward was dysfunctional and told him to take a hike. Conversely, it would have been just as entertaining if she never realized it, but if her moronic behavior had actual realistic consequences. Unfortunately that never happened.
And therein lies the biggest problem of the book for Pris33. It becomes painfully obvious that Stephanie Meyers doesn't realize that Bella sucks. She thinks her protagonist is cool, and thus, instead of other characters reacting the way they actually would to someone who is that much of a complete dumbass, she gets rewarded for her stupid behavior.
The other big disappointment was that this book wasn't nearly as cracktasticly entertaining as I hoped. Don't get me wrong, there are several laugh out loud wtf moments (my favorite being how even Edward's handwriting is HOLY SHIT BEAUTIFUL), things that made no sense (why are these vampires in high school again? Is it because they want to score some hot teenage tail?), and times when it becomes painfully clear that Stephanie Meyer has some serious issues when it comes to relationships (stalking is not sexy Stephanie). But sadly, in between the cracky parts are pages and pages and pages of really boring, shallow introspection by Bella and vapid conversations between her and Edward.
From the summaries I've read of the other books, it seems like with each installment of the series, it gets increasingly hilarious, but I just don't have the patience to read hundreds and hundreds of pages to get to it.
Finally, I have to say that while even though I think Pris13 would have hated this book, I get why other teenagers would love it. I'm not especially concerned that this book is teaching bad lessons to impressionable young girls (even though it kind of is). I read all kinds of fucked up stuff when I was that age, but even I realized that there was a big difference between what characters in a book could get away with and what happens in real life. I think that the people hyperventilating about how this is going to corrupt young girls, don't give those girls enough credit.
I don't, however, get why anyone over the age of 17 would think this this book is good entertainment - especially the twilight moms, who should seriously be old enough to see how fucking dysfunctional and non sexy this book really is. I'm pretty sure if some teenage boy was stalking their daughter the way that Edward stalks Bella, they'd pull out the shotgun to run his ass off and not think "Wow, isn't true love wonderful."
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I happen to have read all four books. (well more like reads the first one, skimmed the next two and read the fourth for laughs).
The first book had potential and it would have been a good story had Meyers brought in some realism to it. When I started reading Twilight, I was kinda hoping Edward was going to eat her like he first planned too. So I was thinking okay maybe he'll do it in the other books.
Book two. "OMGS! HE LEFT ME IMMA DIE NOW!" ... shocker. Book three... I don't even remember most of it. I think that's the one where Jacob becomes all second stalker person. I was never shocked by this outcome, seemed to be her trend. First all the guys at school wanted in her pants, then Edward...
Book four... there are just no words to describe how horrible this one was. It was worse than the final chapter of Harry Potter in book 7. It was just one long continuous "omg. wtf." moments. I never thought Meyers could make Bella into more of a Mary-Sue. Well, she proved me wrong. Along with that... one word. "Renessme". This one was all about Bella and Edward having rough boink sessions on a deserted island, an over extravagant wedding which no one really seemed to appreciate, the fact male vampires can procreate and female vampires can not, the creepy vampire blonde wanting to steal Bella's unborn child, Jacob Wolf man falling in love and imprinting on an infant... that was just a wow moment for me personally, and an upcoming war which took months to prepare for and then nothing happened because Meyers doesn't like violence (run on, sorry. XD)... shocked? I so was not.
I was not that shocked to find people over 17 have orgasms over this at all. If you walk down the smut novel isle at half price books (at least there is at mine) there is a whole section for smutty vampire smex. This was just Meyer's clean version. I wouldn't be shocked if someone raided Meyer's secret vault they would find vampire smut all over the place.
And now I'm done. Time for classes. XD
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And come to think of it - how fucked up is that message? Edward genuinely seems to think he's dangerous (despite all of the evidence that he's just a big flaming pussy). He's the one with the superpowers as well as being a hundred years older than Bella, but it's her responsibility to stay away from him.
Damn. Stephanie Meyer has some serious Issues. Book four sounds awesomely cracktastic (the imprinting/falling in love with an infant thing is a big HOLY SHIT moment), but I think I'm going to spare myself and just read the hilarious summaries out on the internet. I don't think I could take more non plot angsting and relationship discussions for another thousand pages or so.
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More for lulz than anything else. Everything in there is completely biased but considering some of the twihards I've run across this site gives me a good laugh at their expense and they so deserve it.
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"I'm pretty sure if some teenage boy was stalking their daughter the way that Edward stalks Bella, they'd pull out the shotgun to run his ass off and not think "Wow, isn't true love wonderful."
The moms would be firing crossbows loaded with pointy wooden sticks.
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The moms would be firing crossbows loaded with pointy wooden sticks.
Heh, I'm not sure if pointy sticks would kill the Twilight vampires. Stephanie Meyer basically tosses all of the typical vampire stuff out the window (garlic, aversion to sunlight, holy water, smelling like they're dead, the requirement to drink human blood, etc). There's really no downside to being one of her sparkletastic creations that I could see - or any weakness that she mentioned. Although that would probably require some plot to reveal, and we can't have that shit interfering with all of the emo angsting.
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^____^
every time Bella whined about how annoying it is that every dude in the school thinks she's hot... But when the main character lives the perfect escapist awesome fantasy and acts like her life is really, really hard, well... that's pretty fucking irritating.
I never get this. From Elizabeth Haydon's Rhapsody (WOE, I AM BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT) to Bella to various assorted fantasy princesses who want to run away--what do authors think it'll accomplish? Is the whining supposed to make them sympathetic and long-suffering rather than simply bratty? Doesn't everybody want to smack that kind of people in real life?
And yeah, this is why I don't even want to give these books a try--I suspected they'd be mostly boring rather than cracktastically bad hilarity, which is often the case with bad fiction.
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Yes. Yes we do. Frequently and with much vigor. Especially when you're trapped in their first person point of view and are subject to every single dumbass thought that crosses their mind.
I don't get it either. I mean, she could have actually given Bella some real problems (Seriously, how hard would that be? Not very.). Or she could have just realized her character was completely a completely vapid and shallow bitch. Either would have been better than what she wrote.
Then again, what the hell do I know. She's a bestselling author - although I think that's probably more due to the whole wish fulfillment fantasy element + hot, broody vampire boy. It probably actually helps that Bella sucks so hard, because then readers don't have to care about her and it becomes easier to just insert themselves into her shoes.
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I kept waiting for the kids at school to start mocking her for it (that's what would have happened at my High School). But no. They were too busy wanting to get into her pants or being jealous of her.
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Seriously, I am nice to my inner 13-year-old. I even let her read Mercedes Lackey, provided she waits until they're out in paperback. But we're pretty much in agreement on "no Twilight whatsoever."
This book could have been interesting if Bella actually grew as a character, realized she was acting like a shallow twat, or realized that her relationship with Edward was dysfunctional and told him to take a hike.
Sort of like the Anita Blake books...I was nearly reduced to tears by somebody selling their notion of how to drag the series back on track. Basically boiled down to "French vampire dude has manipulated Anita into becoming the biggest ho in the midwest; when she breaks free, she hunts his ass down", but there were possibilities for genuine coolness there.
But I digress.
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I admit that I'd probably start reading the series again if Anita killed Jean Claude for turning her into a giant slut.
You know, I remember when I started the series thinking, "Damn, I really hope that she shags Jean Claude soon so that she'll stop obsessing about it and spend more time kicking ass." How naive was that?
*facepalm*
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I only read up through Obsidian Butterfly (which is the one about Edward) and at least through then she hadn't. He might be the only guy in the series that she hasn't done.
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Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that Pris13 would have liked about this book. After all, Pris13 has read all kinds of goofy girlie shit that she thought was really, really awesome such as the Sweet Valley High Series, The Sunfire Historical Romance series, and the totally cracktastic Flowers in the Attic series by V.C. Andrews. In the next few years Pris13 will discover the worlds of Mercedes Lackey's white horses who save abused children and the Dragonlance books. And if the internet had been around back then, she probably would have flooded ff.net with goopy Sue filled romances about Raistlin who is so hot, misunderstood and clearly in need of the redemption that only true wuv can provide.
Hey...have you been reading my high school diaries? Except for Lackey, whom I discovered with Diana Tregarde (the urban fantasy heroine before urban fantasy, and who bafflingly didn't sell well, according to Lackey, even though there were whole tribes of crazy fen convinced that the real Forces of Evil(TM) holding her back from writing more), and only picked up the Heralds books after my need-a-talking-horse phase, that was totally me. I thought I was the only one who remembered Sunfire romances. I owned the whole set, and I'm kicking myself because I have no idea what my mother did with them. Probably moldering in the basement.
I'm not especially concerned that this book is teaching bad lessons to impressionable young girls (even though it kind of is). I read all kinds of fucked up stuff when I was that age, but even I realized that there was a big difference between what characters in a book could get away with and what happens in real life. I think that the people hyperventilating about how this is going to corrupt young girls, don't give those girls enough credit.
My back teeth grind together when I think of my daughter wanting a Bella-and-Edward relationship, but then I realize that already at three and a half, she's a lot smarter than Bella, so my worries go away. What gets me is that grown up people (consequently, those who should know better) just want to love all over it because the main characters don't have sex until marriage. Never mind that the books are full of bad writing, weak characterization, a lazy theme, and an anti-plot repellent that must have given the screenplay adaptation writers fits. But it's "recommended reads" because the teenagers don't have sex. ::head, meet desk::
Now to wash your brain out, go to the library and check out Melissa Marr's "Wicked Lovely" and while you're at it, pick up "Ink Exchange" - both have great heroines and fascinating storylines. Ink Exchange is one of those theme-y books with layers like tiramisu. Marr's writing is tight, not overblown, and her world does have that teenage tunnel-vision, but not in a self-serving way.
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My middle school friend Amy had the whole Sunfire set, that I repeatedly borrowed over the course of several years. I've been slowly trying to track them down (as well as the Choose Your Own Adventure series and the Sweet Valley High books) at library and used book sales, but so far I've only found a few. I say I'm doing this for my daughter... but really it's for my own nostalgic value. "Buying books for my kids" gives me a great excuse to buy and indulge in a lot of young adult titles. I will definitely check out Marr's books as they sound really interesting.
As far as stuff like Twilight and VC Andrews - I figure my kids will have to go out and discover that shit on their own. I wouldn't necessarily stop them from reading it (even though I think parts of them have horribly repellent lessons about life) but I'm not going to provide it for them either.
What gets me is that grown up people (consequently, those who should know better) just want to love all over it because the main characters don't have sex until marriage. Never mind that the books are full of bad writing, weak characterization, a lazy theme, and an anti-plot repellent that must have given the screenplay adaptation writers fits. But it's "recommended reads" because the teenagers don't have sex. ::head, meet desk::
Oh man, I hear you on this one. I was reading a Wall Street Journal article a while back where a commentator wrote a long article gushing about exactly this. I was, quite frankly, baffled. I mean sure, they don't have sex (I am convinced this is only because Edward is such a raging wussy), but their relationship is far from healthy. The commentator completely turned a blind eye to the way Edward stalks Bella in a way that in reality would get his ass thrown into jail. She also ignored the fact that Bella's parents are completely absent from the picture as far as I can tell, have zero expectations of their kid, and do nothing to protect or enlighten her about the world at large. And Bella herself, good god... is she really a role model that you'd want a kid following?
I'd rather have my kid read a book/watch a movie where the kids have sex with realistic consequences, than read this stupid glossed over psycho shit masquerading as an epic, yet wholesome romance.
So I definitely get why people get fired up, I do too. I just also think that most kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and that if you do your job as a parent and show your kid what healthy relationships actually are then something like Twilight isn't going to have much of a long term effect. Eventually, most kids will get a clue and realize that they really don't want what Bella and Edward have. At least I hope so, lol.
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But I did rather like this book called Digital Knight (http://www.webscription.net/chapters/074347161X/074347161X.htm?blurb) by Ryk Spoor.
I have several series of Mercedes Lackey's Heralds, I wonder if I've committed a sin... but then, you know my taste has never been very high brow. :D
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And, heh, there's no sin to owning Mercedes Lackey books. I think this book has made me appreciate writers like Mercedes Lackey more actually. I liked them at one time (as sparkletastic as they are). I totally get why people like those, even though they're not my thing anymore, because they're 100% better written and less dysfunctional than Twilight. Plus, they actually have plots other than two people emoting for hundreds and hundreds of pages.
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She passes out/doesn't remember during their big scene. He bites pillows, which explains A LOT.
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As usual...
I work in an office full of 20-something Twilight addicts. I always wonder if the Bella-is-complete-fail factor is supposed to somehow work into the so-Edward-would-be-soooo-much-better-off-with-MEEEEEEEEE element. *headdesk*
Also, I must point out in repsonse to your I-hate-vampires post - that True Blood does indeed have a pudgy, TV-watching, failed homosexual accountant Vampire character. However, it also has an awesome, ancient, blond, nightclub-owning vampire. Neither of these are the main character, tho....
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Re: As usual...
I may have to check out True Blood now.
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--
ROTFL. Another reason I will not read the book. Have you seen the film. After all the hype I downloaded it and couldn't even sit through it. It's even more emo, stalking love, with countless plot holes. :-S
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