I hate vampires.

[prisoner_24601]

Why does every vampire in every damn book have to:

1) Be insanely hot
2) Own a goddamn nightclub
3) Be a sexual tyrannosaurus
4) Be conflicted and overly emotional

I mean, where the hell are the fat, balding, middle aged car salesmans that got made into a vampires? Or the granny vampires (which would rule so much)? Why is every single one a super hot stud muffin with no chest hair, chiseled features and piercing eyes?

You think that they could branch out in professions too. Where the hell are corporate vampires and political vampires or the redneck vampires that want to watch football and drive their pickup trucks around while drinking a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Why does almost every author write the same goddamn thing?

I'm getting so bored with this cliché that I actively avoid any book in it with a vampire now. Unfortunately I broke this rule the other day when I picked up Nora Robert's new book Morrigan's Cross at the airport before jumping on the plane (yes - I read romance novels on rare occasions and Nora Roberts is a decent, albeit rather repetitive, author) and I'm regretting it now.

Serves me right.

Comments

[plutospawn.livejournal.com]

Kind of funny, since I just uploaded scans of Vampire Loves. I think Anne Rice had a few "old" vampires like Marius, but something about the conversion process made them ZOMGHAWT. Too bad it didn't do anything to change them from sex-mongering pedophiles, but hey, I haven't tried reading that series of books in years for a very good reason.

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

ooo I will have to check out the scans (unless they have sexy, toned body vampires in them).

I think I read Interview With a Vampire (although I may have just seen the move - I can't remember). I really hate Ann Rice's writing style, and her wanktastic characters so I avoid her books as a rule. That's hilarious that there's something about the process itself that makes vampires hot. You think it would make them stealthy or invisible or something more useful, rofl.

[plutospawn.livejournal.com]

I remember liking Interview With the Vampire, but I also read it in tenth grade. I thought Robert Penn Warren was boring as all hell in high school too, until I recently reread it and decided that my younger self was a moron.

No sexy, toned body vampires. The main character has an oversized bald head with pointy ears on a scrawny body. And the two hotties are named Aspirine and Ritaline and are there mostly to be annoyances.

But Anne Rice is special. I think I got to book 3 in the chronicles and there was a scene where Lestat is being bathed and has to stop and admire his beautifully erect, yet useless member. Then she rambled on and on about a Carivaggio painting. That was when I put it down and walked away.

[midnight-hawk.livejournal.com]

Oh that reminds me...the Anita Blake porn books are in comic form now:

Be afraid, be very very afraid (http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/2570614.html)

[plutospawn.livejournal.com]

Mid hands out misery like candy! All we need now is Anita Blake talking plushies.

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Oh god... that's... that's just not right. I think the universe migh implode.

[foxfire74.livejournal.com]

I always figured that the hotness was useful, since it lets them lure dinner. Doesn't mean I particularly want to read about it, since it's usually accompanied by OMGtehangst!! (Actually, I think somebody on Godawful coined "fangst" to describe Anne Rice novels.)

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Now see... that's actually a decent reason for them to be pretty. Way better than the OMG WE NEED HAWT SEXXORS!!!!!!11! that seems to be the mind set of a lot of books *cough*Anita Blake*cough*

I like "fangst." That's so descriptive roflmao.

[foxfire74.livejournal.com]

I am SUCH a geek. I spend way too much time thinking about things like "evolutionarily useful reason for vampires to be pretty". Vampire as lanternfish/snapping turtle...works for me.

As for Anita Blake...there were no more books written after Blue Moon. Ever. Anything else is a mass delusion. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. (And I don't even like Blue Moon all that much, but it seems to make a good stopping point. *shrug*)

[prisoner--24601.livejournal.com]

Oh you know... Blue Moon is exactly the Anita Blake book that caused me to mentally check out of the series.

The book itself starts out promising (probably because neither Jean Claude or Richard are in the beginning), but when the entire plot halts just so all of the werewolves can chase her hot self through the woods and then she has hot wolf sex Richard (gah... Richard... that's a totally different subject), it was just too much. For some reason, I thought the series would somehow magically get better so I read for a couple more books.

So I totally agree. Just pretending that the series ends with Blue Moon is probably the best way to go.

[foxfire74.livejournal.com]

Meh. I don't hate it - I could've dealt with the whole woods'n'wolf sex thing if it weren't a foreshadowing of so, so much worse to come - but the last one I really enjoyed was Burnt Offerings. Blue Moon, though, is the last one where I saw any personality other than Anita Blake, Blow-up Doll of the Damned.

Back before LKH went totally and semi-publicly batshit, my theory was that she was testing out her audience to see if they preferred the violence (Obsidian Butterfly) or the sex (everything since). Now I just think she's nuts.