prisoner_24601 | I hate vampires.

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books,
writing

I hate vampires.

Why does every vampire in every damn book have to:

1) Be insanely hot
2) Own a goddamn nightclub
3) Be a sexual tyrannosaurus
4) Be conflicted and overly emotional

I mean, where the hell are the fat, balding, middle aged car salesmans that got made into a vampires? Or the granny vampires (which would rule so much)? Why is every single one a super hot stud muffin with no chest hair, chiseled features and piercing eyes?

You think that they could branch out in professions too. Where the hell are corporate vampires and political vampires or the redneck vampires that want to watch football and drive their pickup trucks around while drinking a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Why does almost every author write the same goddamn thing?

I'm getting so bored with this cliché that I actively avoid any book in it with a vampire now. Unfortunately I broke this rule the other day when I picked up Nora Robert's new book Morrigan's Cross at the airport before jumping on the plane (yes - I read romance novels on rare occasions and Nora Roberts is a decent, albeit rather repetitive, author) and I'm regretting it now.

Serves me right.

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This reminded me of the vampire story plot I keep meaning to work on: It's set in the 60s and is about a group of hippies and drunk addicts that get vamped and start running a garlic plantation for vampire stoners. And yeah, in the words of Spike, "I can't believe people still fall for that Anne Rich crap."

See... now that's awesome. The whole idea of a bunch of granola hippies still trying to be hippies even though they are now bloodsuckers would be hilarious. (I can see them being all happy about their organically grown garlic, roflmao).

I demand that you entertain me and write this story.

This has been done, sort of. There's at least two books...um, they were published by Penguin (some imprint of Penguin -- Roc, maybe?) in the 90's. They feature a bunch of baby booming 'vampires' in San Francisco. In this universe, vampirism is a genetic condition and they treat drinking blood like an addiction. The plot involves them all becoming 12-steppers and then slowly falling off the wagon.

However, in keeping with canon, they are all pretty hot, all sexual dynamos (a side effect of the blood, in this case), and dress well.

I can't remember the author or titles of the books for the life of me. I only know the publisher because that's why I read them -- was working there and they were free.

There's also some short stories about a bunch of heroine addicts that become vampires, which also draws parallels between drug addiction and vampirism. However what I had in mind wasn't really to do with addiction, but about mocking vampire fiction (of course that's already been done as well).

Oh no, I totally think you should do it, MH! Your brand of humor is spot-on. It would be a good read :)

God, am bored today. L is feeding constantly, speaking of vampiric-like tendencies, and I can't get off this chair and get anything done.

The World On Blood by Jonathan Lewis Nasaw is the first book. There was a sequel where they all went to a Carribean island and had more blood and sex. I wouldn't exactly recommend them, but I was amused.

I was a vampire hippie YESTERDAY!

*waves garlic at you*

It's like Adam and Eve taking you to the movies, man.

This is simply further confirmation of your awesomeness.

Funny, because I was just thinking about geriatric vampires yesterday, because my vampire teeth kept falling out. Vampire dentures!

What pray tell is a sexual tyrannosaurus?

Lol a sexual tyrannosaurus is someone who is rather good in bed, a demon in the sack, or a sexual god. I think my husband may have coined that phrase. I use it frequently because the idea of sexy dinosaurs cracks me up.

See... now I want to not brush my teeth for the next 40 years so I can have a pair of vampire dentures. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Red words are my thought processes!

a sexual tyrannosaurus is someone who is rather good in bed, a demon in the sack, or a sexual god. I think my husband may have coined that phrase.

hahahaha. Good to know that I nearly caused my friends to have panic attacks today.

(Much love for you for the granny vampire picture btw!)

Lol a sexual tyrannosaurus is someone who is rather good in bed, a demon in the sack, or a sexual god.

Couldn't it also be someone with really sore wrists?

Why yes... I suppose it cold be. Roflmao.

Kind of funny, since I just uploaded scans of Vampire Loves. I think Anne Rice had a few "old" vampires like Marius, but something about the conversion process made them ZOMGHAWT. Too bad it didn't do anything to change them from sex-mongering pedophiles, but hey, I haven't tried reading that series of books in years for a very good reason.

ooo I will have to check out the scans (unless they have sexy, toned body vampires in them).

I think I read Interview With a Vampire (although I may have just seen the move - I can't remember). I really hate Ann Rice's writing style, and her wanktastic characters so I avoid her books as a rule. That's hilarious that there's something about the process itself that makes vampires hot. You think it would make them stealthy or invisible or something more useful, rofl.

I remember liking Interview With the Vampire, but I also read it in tenth grade. I thought Robert Penn Warren was boring as all hell in high school too, until I recently reread it and decided that my younger self was a moron.

No sexy, toned body vampires. The main character has an oversized bald head with pointy ears on a scrawny body. And the two hotties are named Aspirine and Ritaline and are there mostly to be annoyances.

But Anne Rice is special. I think I got to book 3 in the chronicles and there was a scene where Lestat is being bathed and has to stop and admire his beautifully erect, yet useless member. Then she rambled on and on about a Carivaggio painting. That was when I put it down and walked away.

Oh that reminds me...the Anita Blake ~~porn~~ books are in comic form now:

Be afraid, be very very afraid (http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/2570614.html)

Mid hands out misery like candy! All we need now is Anita Blake talking plushies.

Oh god... that's... that's just not right. I think the universe migh implode.

I always figured that the hotness was useful, since it lets them lure dinner. Doesn't mean I particularly want to read about it, since it's usually accompanied by OMGtehangst!! (Actually, I think somebody on Godawful coined "fangst" to describe Anne Rice novels.)

Now see... that's actually a decent reason for them to be pretty. Way better than the OMG WE NEED HAWT SEXXORS!!!!!!11! that seems to be the mind set of a lot of books *cough*Anita Blake*cough*

I like "fangst." That's so descriptive roflmao.

I am SUCH a geek. I spend way too much time thinking about things like "evolutionarily useful reason for vampires to be pretty". Vampire as lanternfish/snapping turtle...works for me.

As for Anita Blake...there were no more books written after Blue Moon. Ever. Anything else is a mass delusion. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. (And I don't even like Blue Moon all that much, but it seems to make a good stopping point. *shrug*)

Oh you know... Blue Moon is exactly the Anita Blake book that caused me to mentally check out of the series.

The book itself starts out promising (probably because neither Jean Claude or Richard are in the beginning), but when the entire plot halts just so all of the werewolves can chase her hot self through the woods and then she has hot wolf sex Richard (gah... Richard... that's a totally different subject), it was just too much. For some reason, I thought the series would somehow magically get better so I read for a couple more books.

So I totally agree. Just pretending that the series ends with Blue Moon is probably the best way to go.

Meh. I don't hate it - I could've dealt with the whole woods'n'wolf sex thing if it weren't a foreshadowing of so, so much worse to come - but the last one I really enjoyed was Burnt Offerings. Blue Moon, though, is the last one where I saw any personality other than Anita Blake, Blow-up Doll of the Damned.

Back before LKH went totally and semi-publicly batshit, my theory was that she was testing out her audience to see if they preferred the violence (Obsidian Butterfly) or the sex (everything since). Now I just think she's nuts.

Maybe there are just too many lonely and depressive women out there who needs to read something to boost up their imaginations of having hot wild men in their lives. Spices it up.

Heh, I think you're on to something here. There has to be a reason why people keep writing them this way and why that take on vampires is so damn popular.

Maybe. Or the write write the vamps in such way to please themselves. Explains why it keeps going on. We all fantasize to have the perfect man. XD

Heh, maybe my irritation and bitterness stems from the fact that I just don't find that type of physical beauty attractive. Vampires tend to be pretty boys and I personally am not attracted to that aesthetic. I prefer my men of the more manly variety (broad shoulders, tough looking) and when the guys are more pretty than me, it's not a turn on rofl.

Ditto. Pretty boy vampires just don't work. But they're better being just pretty boys in the entertainment industry or something.

Muscles... vamps need muscles...the good-looking ones that is.

*blink*...you know, this could definitely explain why I prefer werecritters to vampires. Shall have to ponder. Preferably with visual aids.

I am become Foxfire, destroyer of bishounen.

typos...=.= writer writes*

Might as well ask why the only people qualified to save any world are a Ragtag Band of Unlikely Heroes (TM). The archetype works.

One of my old GMs postulated that there were no geriatric vampires because they couldn't survive the change in physiology. We had a long discussion about metaphors, and how elderly people don't fear death as much, so the vampire doesn't present to them as such a fearsome thing. Likewise, more elderly people are more practical about sexual matters, so the metaphorical seduction of a vampire wouldn't be as effective, since they're less concerned with inhibitions and proprieties. Of course, in that same campaign, our group of fledgling vampires got completely wasted by a band of vampire hunters from the Happy Acres Retirement Gardens, too. But he was that kind of GM.

As for why they show up in so many novels...well, if I want to hear ugly people having sex, I can listen to my neighbors for free (or pretend not to see them in their pool when I'm trying to barbecue). When I pick up a book, I want to read about hot people getting it on (with or without fangs, although I haven't been able to figure out how to reconcile the pasty-white-guy syndrome with hawt realistically).

Oh I agree with not really wanting to read about ugly people having sex. I really don't have a problem with hot characters, it's just when they are all hot in exactly the same kind of way, I tend to get bored and tune out.

I dunno. It seems like there could be other more interesting ways of making a character attractive than to always resort to the standard GQ model description. I mean, what about the guy that's fairly average looking but has an incredible sense of humor, or the lanky nerd that's really brilliant and a nice guy. Physical beauty and being attractive to the opposite sex aren't necessarily the same things, and people find all kind of things attractive. I guess I'd just like to see more variety in leading men and women.

It seems like there could be other more interesting ways of making a character attractive than to always resort to the standard GQ model description. I mean, what about the guy that's fairly average looking but has an incredible sense of humor, or the lanky nerd that's really brilliant and a nice guy. Physical beauty and being attractive to the opposite sex aren't necessarily the same things, and people find all kind of things attractive. I guess I'd just like to see more variety in leading men and women.

Oh, I'll definitely agree with that. Several writers I know have trended towards going out of their way to avoid meticulous descriptions of their characters' physical attributes. It also saves aggravation when you look at a cover and the figure on the cover doesn't look a bit like the description in the book.

I still don't know about the nightclub thing, though. Sure at one point, it would probably be one of the few jobs a night-owl could do, but we live in a global environment with the internet now. I don't see why a vampire couldn't be a US-based stockbroker for the Japanese stock exchange and work third shift at TD Waterhouse. Or work in the meat department at the all-night grocery. Or any number of endeavours that don't require the wearing of leather pants and puffy shirts.

Some horror story I read back in the mists of time postulated that the change to becoming a vampire stole all a person's creativity. I don't remember the name of the book or the author, only that it took place at Anne-Rice-style fandom cons, the author-vampire used mirrors to teleport into her fans' rooms to feed, and she stole their fan-fiction after she killed them (which alone makes it hysterical) and touted it as her own. Vampires, lack of imagination, and fan-fiction theft for the win. Making fun of Anne Rice was just a bonus.

May I recommend David Sosnowski's "Vamped"? It's a hilarious book with a new take on vampires and the like. I love it to death. X3

ooo I will definitely have to check it out!

World of Darkness vampires for the win. Going on the old stuff rather than the new, the Camarilla vampires are separated into several bloodlines -- the Ventrue are the leaders (work as, yes, politicians and corporate giants), the Nosferatu are ugly mutants, the Gangrel are animalistic, the Brujah are anarchists, the Tremere are blood thaumaturgists, and only the Toreador fits the "artistic, sexual beings" image. (And only then, well, WoD vampires cannot have sex, sooo.)

Ahem. In other word, if you have time to spare, try out the game Vampires: The Masquerade -- Bloodlines? It's pretty old, so it should be cheap. Apply official and fan patches and the game ought to be pretty smooth.

Ooh you know, I've played the pen and paper version of that with a couple of my friends. I did like the fact that there were all different kinds of vampires out there (not just the super hot ones). Unfortunately I wanted to play a Nosferatu, but the GM wouldn't let me (he said it would be too hard to work around).

We ended up stopping after awhile, because playing with everyone's kickass sue characters got painfully boring for me. One dude had a trench coat and I swear to god it had every imaginable thing under the sun in there (so annoying to play with people like that).

I may have to try the video game, if I can peel myself away from the WoW crack for a few hours...

Oh you definately should. It's a bit buggy so it needs to be patched, but the story is kick-ass; as well as the setting.

The WoD vampires are absolutely great, really; because you get diversity; you have the Nosferatu, the beastly ones all the way across the self-obsessed Toreador to the downright sadistic Tzimisce(the scene where one of the Tzimisce actually *molds* the flesh of one of her victims still creeps me out today).

The latest game is called Bloodlines, btw; should still be able to find that.

I love the WoD concepts; it's just the players that scare me. Any time I see a (fan-created) game guide that says, in so many words, "Humor has no place in this universe", I flee. Well, okay, in this case I just snort disdainfully and move on, but you get the idea.

And there's always my personal favourite, the crazy Malkavians.

It works better when you LARP within a LARP (a few friends, Mr. Athena, and I LARPed superheroes going undercover as vampires in a WoD LARP once. We were not received favorably once we were found out. Until then, we had a fab time rolling around and yelling, "Aura of Lah-di-dah," and covering our eyes and saying, "you can't see me, I'm obfu-skating" while making swish movements with our feet).

I got annoyed at the archetype restrictions with WoD. If you want to play a Bruhah, you can't like any Ventrues, blah blah blah.

I think my favorite vampires are in Pratchett's Discworld novels ("The Fifth Elephant" - Lacrimosa desperately wanted to be named "Agnes"). That, and I liked Betsey Taylor in "Undead and Unwed" through all but the last quarter of the book.

At a gaming con, my husband once got annoyed with a LARP that had expanded past its previously-set bounds, grabbed five friends, and created Clan Bubba on the spot. (Just don't ask about the exsanguinated sheep.) The LARPers were Not Amused.

WoD vampires for the win, indeed. I read the entire Clan Novel Saga about two years ago, and to this day Vykos still creeps me out beyond belief. Which is what you'd expect from a vampire elder, I suppose.

If your find yourself in a sea of look-a-like uber vamp hottness I can suggest three words too you...

Chelsea Quinn Yarbro

She's been writing her series for over twenty years now. While her character is described as handsome it's not the Anita Blake/Rice type of handsome. He's short, and has terrible scarring (from his death) that causes people to stop cold when they see it. The stories are very dark and rarely have a happy ending so the are not really good if your looking for a light read. Honestly I'm surprised no one has mentioned Yarbro's books. They are a refreshing and original look at the Vampire myth. Oddly her first book "Hotel Transylvania" is probably the most romance like of the series. They all take place in historical settings from ancient Rome to a short story in the 1970's. The books are hard to find though. Yarbro has quite a devoted cult following which has kept her able to publish for so many years but they aren't really a mass market success. I find most of mine on Amazon, although I'm lucky enough that my local library also carries a lot of them

ooo thank you. That sounds just exactly like the kind of books I'd like to read and refreshingly different than most of the other vampire stuff out there.

My library is rather small (they have a great kids collection, but the adult stuff is a teeny tiny section), but I'm going to try to dig them up there or see if I can't order them off of the internet.

Thanks for the suggestion!

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I hate vampires.

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A different Vamp

Re: A different Vamp